I was out at the bar last Friday night as usual with some friends.  We were at our favorite bar and loving every second of it, after all, drunken debauchery is the best kind of debauchery. After a few pitchers of Bud Light with the crew, I decided to go have a smoke. As I was going outside some Jersey Shore lookin’ punk bumped into me. I just kept walking like nothing happened, it really didn’t bother me that much…Until he said “excuse you buddy” in the exact right tone to piss me off. At that point, I jumped to the 9th level of anger, and I only have like…6 levels. So needless to say I was a little upset. Then I told him that he was the one that bumped into me. This turned into a very heated argument about what happened, and him trying to assert his manhood. Then I realized that this guy was just trying to pick a fight with me.  Finally after many “Fuck you’s” and threats were exchanged I decided that I was a little bit furious. I was done talking, and it was time to take this outside. Once I said “Fuck it! Let’s take this outside then.”  He stops being tough and says “Naw dude, it’s cool, my bad for bumpin’ into ya.”

YOUUUUU FUCKIN’ PUSSY!!!!!  What’s the point of all that talking if it was for nothing!? You puff out your average built chest like a goddamn peacock to seem tough…make all the noise to seem intimidating…yet you cower like a scared little puppy dog whose owner is about to beat the shit out of him with a newspaper for shitting on the oriental rug in the dining room. You get me all riled up and honestly kind of excited to throw you a beating..and then you completely disappoint me. What am I gonna do with all this adrenaline now!? I can’t punch you in your overly spray tanned face since you surrendered…and I’m not the kind of guy who goes looking for a fight…so now I have to go home and beat the shit out of my down pillow ’til the feathers are everywhere, and those things aren’t cheap.

I would have loved for this fight to actually happen! Mainly because I hate guys like that. The guy who talks and acts like he wants to fight, but when someone actually says, “Well, let’s fuckin’ go then”. He all of a sudden doesn’t want to fight anymore, once it gets serious. I just don’t understand it. Just all talk. It’s like he doesn’t want the fight to actually happen. He just wants all his friends and girlfriend to see the illusion of his toughness from afar. He probably even told them I was the one that backed down. But once someone sees right through it he thinks Shit…I gotta get outta here or this guy is going to destroy me.” So he avoids “The Situation”. (See what I did there?)

I’m not saying I 100% could have kicked this guys ass…but at that point I was willing to give it a whirl. But he ruined my golden opportunity to put all the bad assery that I learned from watching UFC to good use by being a coward. So next time, either don’t pick a fight, or follow through with it. It’s very simple. And if you’re scared of getting embarrassed, then keep your mouth shut, or you might run that mouth right into someone’s fist…multiple times…and trust me…the other guy will enjoy it way more than you will.

But hey, maybe that’s just me… 

Check out all Rants by Rantonio Rantana.

Stupid Neighbors. It absolutely pisses me off when my neighbors get me in trouble for something that is technically their fucking fault. We don’t get our garbage taken away by the city. We get it taken by some local guy who picks up all the shit that we don’t need anymore twice a week instead of just once like those lazy city bastards (city workers piss me off too, for the record). Due to this fact we don’t get one of those blue humpback whale sized garbage cans that the city provides. We have a pretty big garbage can; it can hold a good 3 full sized garbage bags no problem. But our house…likes to get drunker than 10,000 Indians and lots of people like to join in on this mindless debauchery. So needless to say we have more garbage than the neighboring senior citizens we live by.

Now this in itself isn’t the problem. We have more garbage, it’s not that big of a deal. The problem arises when our decrepit neighbors let their tiny, little, miniature, looks like Chinese food sort of dogs out without leashes, you know the ones…the dogs that you feel like you could punt across an entire football field you felt like it, which at this point I do. The bastard dogs get into the garbage bags that don’t fit in the garbage can and tear it to shit. I honestly want to kill these dogs, not that I hate dogs, I have one myself and I love it. But these fuckin’ mutts get into our garbage and make a bigger mess than a kid finding out how fun masturbation is.

IT GETS WORSE!!!!!!! THESE STUPID ASSHOLE NEIGHBORS CALL THE COPS!!! We have actually had a police officer show up to our door telling us that our neighbors called saying that the garbage is an eye sore and they want it cleaned up. AN EYE SORE! I’m gonna make your eye sore after I get done skull fucking you for calling the cops on something as stupid as a little garbage in MY yard. It’s not like the garbage blows into their yards, it stays in our yard. The backyard for that matter, it’s not like people can see it when they drive by our house, it’s concealed where only the 2 houses next to us could ever see it.

Seriously how bad can a little garbage be? And why don’t you have the decency to arthritis walk your ass over to my house and come talk to ME first about it. What do you have agoraphobia and can’t use your walker to get the 6 feet to my door and tell me to clean my garbage up. I swear to GOD the next time the cops get called on our garbage I’m gonna tell them to go talk to the neighbors about keeping their stupid douche bag dogs leashed up so the garbage doesn’t get spilled everywhere in the first place, because I’m pretty sure there’s a leash law, not a garbage law. And if they don’t do anything about it…I’ll just kill the dogs and sell them to our local Chinese restaurant. Which might be a little harsh…but delicious.

And if you don’t like it, then you can Go Rant Yourself! 

$25 for 2 Movie Tickets & A $50 Free Restaurant.com Gift Card – Worth $75

The Pack

I was sitting around the house having a beer and watching “2 and a Half Men”, which is not as good with fuckin “Kelso” on it now.  My girlfriend walks into the room and decides to watch “her shows.” These include such shows as “Teen Mom” and “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. Being the nice boyfriend that I am, I oblige. Then about 5 minutes into the show about those dark haired bimbos…I almost threw my drink at my 1600 dollar TV in order to shatter it just so I didn’t have to watch that shit anymore!

GOOD LORD! I can’t stand reality TV shows. Especially ones about people who are only on the show because they are good looking. Like seriously…none of the people on here have any talent at all. Lamar Odom is the only one that I feel made his money because of his talent! So these people are rich and famous for absolutely no reason. Yes they have a clothing line…but I guarantee that clothing line wouldn’t even be half as popular if the whole world wouldn’t have seen Ray J orgasm all over Kim! Everyone on that show is just pathetic. I would never hit a girl…ever…but those Kardashian girls really make me ponder the thought a little more than I usually would.  Anytime I hear about a plane crash anywhere in the world…I secretly hope that the whole Kardashian Family was on it. Except for Lamar…’cause I’m a Lakers Fan.

And as for Teen Mom….those people make me sick! It escapes me how these dumb chicks are now famous because they were little sluts when they were 16 and didn’t know how to put a condom on their deadbeat boyfriends. I don’t know about anyone else, but we had a pregnant girl in our school at 16. It did not make her famous. It made her dropout and become even more of a loser. So the fact that they are all famous now is just completely baffling. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s great that they took their whoredom and turned it into something good for them (but awful for me to watch). That way, they can still be the pathetic waste of space that they always have been BUT at least the kid is going to grow up with food on the table and diapers to cover his smelly ass.

I just can’t stand it anymore. All these reality shows need to stop. Or else I’m gonna make a reality show myself called “Reality Star Beatdown”. I bet you can’t guess what I’ll be doing in MY reality show.

But hey, maybe that’s just me…

Check out all Rants by Rantonio Rantana.

Worthless bitches. The one person I hate more than any other life form on Earth is a mooch. Now if you don’t know what a mooch is, it’s someone who has the fuckin’ balls to ask for shit because they are too lazy to get a job and so they have no money.  The stupid part is, PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE THEM SHIT!!! It absolutely blows my mind. I know one of these slimy little cockroaches and it annoys the fuck out of me, it’s like when a baby cries. It annoys you to the point where you wanna punch it, but you can’t because, well ya know,  it’s a baby. Now this guy I know is the definition of a mooch. His face should be plastered by it in the dictionary.

The last time I hung out with this so called “friend” he decided to get my roommate to buy his food for him. The sad part is he actually  did it. The even more sad part is that my roommate was so broke they had to use change to go eat at Pizza Ranch. CHANGE!! It’s like they sat on the corner all day begging for change like a homeless person to be able to afford this one meal. Not only that, but he got some stupid bitch of a girl to give him $10 so he could order a pizza that same damn night! I can’t take how people can help out these greedy little cheap skates who don’t have jobs and don’t even shower. This fuck stayed at my house for a weekend and not once did he take a shower or brush his teeth. He started to smell like the inside of one of the Two Girls One Cup girls’ mouths. I don’t even know how he has friends. And don’t be a dumbass and think, “but you must have invited him over.” NO!! He knows we have a party house and just randomly shows up and stays the weekend, and I’m too nice of a guy to kick his lazy, broke, bad hygiene having ass out of my house. The next time he shows up I’m gonna tell everyone that if they give him money I’ll break every last bone in their bodies. I just wanna see if this mooch can survive a weekend without any food. Honestly I hope he can’t.

And if you don’t like it, you can Go Rant Yourself. Check out all Rants by Go Rant Yourself.

Oh boy Ted…if you didn’t piss me off enough last time…you somehow did it again! You’re better at pissing me off than actually doing your job! To start off…I feel the need to tell you a little bit more about our dear friend Ted. Ted is about my age…and still lives at home. He claims he is living at home to save money…yet he buys all these toys, and shit he does not need. Like a motorcycle…or a golf cart…and takes work off to go on all these little “vacations” and brags about his toys…and how awesome his vacations were. The other day he says to me  “Oh dude, you should totally get a bike dude…they are so fun dude…dude.”

WELL DUDE! YA KNOW WHAT..DUDE? I would possibly consider buying one…but I live in the real world buddy. I have more important things to spend money on. Like RENT, electric bills, water bills, student loans and  my girlfriend.  Just to name a few. Ya see…you don’t have to pay rent, electric, or water…because you’re still “that guy”. The guy who lives at home with his parents when he should be living on his own.  Movies are made about “that guy.” Usually starring Will Ferrell. The parents may act like they love having him around, but throughout the movie are lying in bed at night secretly plotting how to get their deadbeat son out of the damn house!  I don’t see this being any different in real life.  I’m sick of hearing how awesome all your shit is. You know what I think is awesome? My apartment…mainly because my parents DON’T live there!

You don’t have to worry about school loans because you never tried to go…I went…just wasn’t for me. You didn’t go because I think deep down you know you’re too stupid to succeed. So you figured, “Hey, why waste my money trying to get an education and maybe do something with my life? Especially when I can live at home and suck all the money and fun out of what little life my parents have left.”

You don’t have to worry about paying for your girlfriend and buying her stuff because SHOCKingly you don’t have one!!  Then you bitch to me about how you can’t get a girlfriend. I don’t know buddy, maybe you should move out of your mom’s house? Yes I know you think that all your toys will increase your chances of getting laid…but living at home deletes any advantage that your “Sweet bike” might have initially given you. Taking the girl back to your mom’s house and parking next to her Buick doesn’t exactly make you seem like a “keeper” to any female.

And as for your vacations. They suck! So I don’t wanna hear about them. You take your vacations to Knocksville, Iowa to watch some stupid races. Why in the hell would you think I would even give the smallest shit about it? Especially when you know I despise car racing of any sort.  It’s not even a real sport.  Fuck NASCAR. I also don’t care how cool you think those shit bars down there are. Sorry, but any bar named “The Dingus” is not a place I’d wanna hang out and drink at. Sounds more like a place I’d want to burn to the ground while cackling with evil joy!

So come now Ted. Do me a favor…don’t brag about anything you buy or do while you still live at mommy’s house. And please do your parents a favor and move out. They have had to deal with your dumbass for long enough already. I think it’s time to give them a break. Maybe next time your mommy tucks you in you should ask her if she actually wants you to still live there, and I think we both know what her answer is going to be.

But hey…maybe that’s just me.

See the first post about Ted.

Check out all other Rants by Rantonio Rantana.

Teachers. They are supposed to be there to help educate you in the field of study you want to make a career of right? Well, I’ve met a couple teachers that shouldn’t be professors in any sort of secondary school. There are a few specific types of teachers that piss me off the most. So here’s a short list, and I’m sure I’ll be able to expand on this later…

1. The self-centered, my life is the class, loud mouth, twat rags that think they are good teachers. There are quiet a few of these, but I’m talking about one in general. This guy literally talks 95% about himself and 5% about the class material during class. He talks about “I could’ve been working for Microsoft right now but I decided not to go that route and teach instead” or he talks about how good of gas mileage his Geo and Toyota get. No one gives two halves of a shit about your Geo, not even the people who make that car like it so SHUT UP. Your job is to be teaching me about the subject I’m paying 600+ dollars for, not how much you have to pay for dog food each month because you have a fat fuckhole of a dog at home. If I wanted to hear about good gas mileage I’d go hang out with some environmentalist freak and hear him talk about his Prius. I swear if his personal life shows up on a test I might make him eat it, shit it out, and eat it again. In the most environmentally safe way possible of course. You’re paid to teach us the material in the textbook I spent $200 on, so DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!

1. The douche bag teacher who won’t answer your questions. Either because he’s simply an ass, or because he actually doesn’t know the answer. Either way are equally as bullshit for the student paying too much for tuition in the first place.  This assbag feels the need to either not answer your question or make you feel like you should take the short bus to school because you asked the question in the first place. You are there to educate us to help us find the right answer, if when I come up and ask you a question I get, “It’s in the book.” or “I don’t know. What is it?” OR “I don’t know, you tell me.” I want to take my hand, cock it back, and slap the dipshit out of them. You are the teacher you are supposed to be helping me to find the answer not just totally throw me under the proverbial fat chick to suffocate. Even worse when they say “You should know that” or “If you don’t know that you might wanna think about dropping the class.” FUCK YOU. I am paying out of my ass for this education and you have the nerve to say that to my fucking face? If I wasn’t scared of getting expelled I’d round house kick the shit outta your ignorant face.

And if you don’t like it then you can Go Rant Yourself! 

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Now THIS is what pisses ME off…

Person A) 100

Person B) 80

Person C) 40

Person D) 20

What does the above list mean? Oh, just that each of those people OWES ME THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY. By the grace of God, I have been given the gift of generosity. I lend people money, knowing that at heart, they are all wonderful individuals. The sarcasm is thick, and the alcohol would be flowing right now if I had that money in my wallet. Unfortunately, I don’t. I would if people paid me the fuck back, though.

Let’s start with person C and D. A new video game came out, called Dead Island. Pretty fun, you kill zombies with shovels. Which in essence doesn’t sound very fun but you would be extremely surprised how entertaining and liberating knocking a zombie’s head off with a spade can really be. I bought the 4-pack for me and 3 friends, C and D included. One of them paid me back right away, and D paid me back half of it…in alcohol and McDonald’s. God forbid I choose what I want to do with my money. Please, feed into my alcoholism and diabetes before the age of twenty-seven, I beg you. While you’re at it, pick me up a carton of Camel Blues, one of my Political Science textbooks, and pay my car insurance.

Also, person C and D, combine that money to cover the textbook and insurance payment, because I am pretty sure 60 bucks won’t cover it all. Whatever you have to pay out of your own pocket, I’ll write you an IOU, Okay? Okay. Sounds wonderful to me, too.

Person B. Oh, you are just a fragment of my own stupidity. “Can you buy me alcohol? I’ll pay you back.” This happened twice. He STILL owes me money. Sure, you win some, you lose some. I should have pulled a big banker douchebag on him and charged interest. Then this wouldn’t be so bad. Like..13% a month or something. That sounds reasonable, right? Granted at that point I probably wouldn’t see any of that money…but then I could take him to Judge Judy or something. I’ve always wanted to go on that show.

Person A. I love you, I really really do. But, when someone gives you 200 dollars to fix your car, and a year later you still owe them half, it gets upsetting. Not only that, in this amount of time, you have spent about… oh, 200 dollars on tattoos. You know…that’s a lot of money. A LOT OF MONEY. And I can’t find myself able to be mean to you in a blog post, but Christ! I think I might start smoking again after this…

So in summation…what could I do with $240?

1. Buy a hooker

…maybe not. That would be one disgusting fucking hooker.

2. Get a tattoo

Irony.

3. Donate it to charity.

A charity that I actually started myself most likely…so it looks like I am a good person on paper but in all actuality I am just benefiting myself.

4. A prostitute?

Is that the same thing as a hooker?

Fuck it…I’d probably just buy alcohol and McDonald’s anyway.

Rant brought to you by DJ from his blog titled Perfectly Impaired.

We’d like to thank DJ for this post. If you’d like to get one of your rants up on the site as the next Guest Rant, send it to us on Facebook, thepack@therantpack.com, MySpace, or leave a comment on the site. All this information can be found on our Contact Us page as well.

I went to Sam’s Club with the girlfriend a few weeks ago. We went for all the essentials…in bulk! That’s right…that’s how I roll baby! And yes I do need two giant bottles of ranch dressing, thanks for asking! What can I say…I love me some ranch! I digress…we walked up to the registers and there was a huge line behind each one. Which I’m used to. I live in a big town, lines are expected. We waited in line for 15 damn minutes before we finally got to the front. The lady at the register looked about 60…and moved like she was about 127!

OH MY SWEET HOLY SHIT!! Is this real?! Am I on some kind of prank TV show? Like “Boiling Points”? Am I being timed on how long it will take me to lose my temper? How do you work at a  place like this when you’re this bad at the one job that you have to do? I mean…this is SAM’S CLUB, every single person that comes through this register has at least 100 items ready to go. And when it takes you about a minute per item, then the length of this trip gets a little bit frickin’ ridiculous! You would think speed would be of the essence at a job like this. I’m talking like speed clerks…ones who have to compete to actually get to be at the register. With that many customers and that many items each time, the goons working at the register better be fast to keep up! Or else you start getting very pissed off customers…namely me…and I don’t think that’s good for business.

The other part that pissed me off was how talkative this old bird was! Yes I understand she was just trying to be nice and sweet to the customer…but it would be a lot more sweet and nice if she just hurried the hell up and rang my stuff up so I can go home. At that age do you just lose track of time while you’re talking? ‘Cause her ramblings went on for what seemed like an eternity. And my girlfriend, being the sweetheart she is, just kept talking to this sweet old lady. But all I could think about was, “If i miss even a minute of the Oregon/LSU game…I’m going to snap!” I don’t care about your grandson and how he just moved in with his girlfriend and they both shop here together too! Does it take you an hour to ring them up too!? ‘Cause you’re pushing about 40 minutes now grandma…and now I’M pushing thoughts of burning this place to the ground out of my head! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on the sweet old lady, because she was exactly that…a sweet old lady. I’m more upset with whoever the genius was that decided that putting her on the register would be a good idea.

So please Sam’s Club…check your employees before you put them on a register and maybe designate the right people to the right areas of your store. Because Old Mother Hubbard over here was a sweetheart…but is just not right for that particular spot in your store. I mean just let her hand out the little samples of whatever the hell you have on sale that week. That job seems easy enough..and all you have to do is stand and talk to people. That’s perfect for her old sweet lady personality. Speed doesn’t matter at all for that person…I mean you don’t see a 15 person line in front of the lady who has the free pizza bagel bites do you?? Seems like the perfect fit for this lady. And then hire some 16 year old dipshit who can move faster and will work for minimum wage to take her place.  Because at that age he will think that it’s “good pay”. He might even take pride in his speed because he’s too young to know that it’s a shit job. The kid might be a douche and I might hate him more overall…but at least I won’t miss any of the damn game.

But hey, maybe that’s just me… 

Check out all Rants by Rantonio Rantana.

Thanks for reading.

The Pack